introduction mistakes

Can you spot the three mistakes in this introduction?

 Many countries are spending a huge amount of money on supporting their competitors to take part in some worldwide sports competitions. Others argue that it would be better if these countries can spend the money on children to take part in sports. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

As the world has witnessed many spectacular sports events like Olympic Games, there are new rounds of ecstasy on global sports competitions. Some people are expressing their harsh criticism against such extravagant investments of taxpayers’ money on this kind of event, especially in the global financial crisis. Other people propose the spending of this money in enhancing youngsters’ awareness of physical exercises on a regular basis In my opinion, such proposals are quite reasonable

The three mistakes are:
  1. Off topic and nothing about this in the original topic
  2. It’s not about spending on events; it’s about spending on the sports people to attend them
  3. (you have not given the extent of your opinion as required by the question and it would be better to write some thing like “I totally agree that this is a better use of the funds” 
Model Answer:

A number of nations expend significant sums of cash supporting their athletes to take participate in international sporting events and there are those who opine that the financial resources should be allocated to encouraging youths to participate in sporting activities.  I totally agree that this is a better use of the funds because supporting sportspeople to attend international sports events is a poor investment and improving the health of our youth is more crucial to a nation’s future.

The main reason for my stance is that sending athletes to international events is nothing less than a squandering of funds, which could be invested in the development of the next generation. Our governments have a responsibility to ensure that our children are provided with every opportunity to develop and achieve their best. Sport is one of those areas.  For example; many talented sports people grew up in poorer neighborhoods and if they did not have access to facilities like a football field, they would never have realized their potential for greatness.

Another reason why I am adamant the funds must be spent on encouraging children to engage in physical activities is the long-term health benefits.  Childhood obesity caused by sedentary lifestyles and unhealthy fast food are a cause for significant concern. Unhealthy children will become unhealthy adults who will not only be less productive but also become a drain on health services.  Sport is one of the key ways to ensure the up and coming generations are motivated and healthy. Consequently, funding childhood sport is a strategic strategy of great benefit to all stakeholders.

In conclusion, I totally believe that the money is better spent on encouraging youths to participate in sports.  If money is not invested on promoting childhood sporting activities potential talented national heroes could be doomed to a life of obscurity and a nation’s future depends on having healthy individuals who will drive the economy forward.

IELTS Writing Correction

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