Examiner feedback on essay writing problems

FEEDBACK ON ERRORS WITH ESSAY WRITING
  1. AN ISSUE WITH TASK RESPONSE
    The topic is about making noise that impacts on others whereas this example is about noise that is controlled and not impacting on others – tangential to topic).
Some people think that there should be some strict controls about noise. Others think that they could just make as much noise as they want. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

 Firstly, the development of modern technology has allowed people to generate loud noises without disturbing others. For example, my friend has equipped his room with soundproofed walls. He can practice playing electric guitar or singing at night without disturbing his neighbours

Further explanation of the issue
The topic needs to be considered in the context and the unwritten implications should be taken into account.  There is a significant issue with the example given about your friend.  It is quite clear from the topic statement that the example is tangential to the topic. Noise is defined by the Cambridge dictionary as ‘sounds, especially when it is unwanted, unpleasant or loud.’ Hence, the topic is talking about sounds that others find annoying or disturbing.  If a person is using high tech insulation to confine or control the sounds they create while learning how to sing then no one else is hearing it; so how could it possibly fit within the topic.

  1. A NEED FOR MORE PARAPHRASING
    Try to paraphrase given words more. The sports listed in the topic are just an example and you want to show your ability to paraphrase them
Some people think that it is more beneficial to take part in sports which are played in teams, like football, while other people think that taking part in individual sports, like tennis or swimming, is better. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

 ORIGINAL
Some people think that taking part in team sports like football is more advantageous, while others think that it would be better to play individual sports, like tennis or swimming. The essay discusses both sides of the argument and then I will give my own perspective.

EXAMINER’S VERSION
There are those who opine that participating in team sports like football is more advantageous, while others think that it would be more preferable to play solitary sports, such as badminton. The essay discusses both sides of the argument and then I will give my own perspective.

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